Steps to laboriously obtain a Russian tourist visa

1. Google "Russian" and "visa." Click on first search result.

2. Pay $20 for a visa "invitation letter." Believe you are paying for an actual visa.

3. Book flight two months in advance. Be forced to change flight three times.

4. Be charged for each rebook, as well as ambiguous "upgrade fee." Nearly lose Chinese travel partner in the process of rebooking.

5. Follow misleading signs on mile-long, 75 degree incline hill to Russian embassy. End up at bizarre camping grounds.

6. Ask nearby man on bike wearing "Wisconsin" sweatshirt for directions to Embassy. Have him laugh at you for trying to follow the signs. Awkwardly say good-bye to him as you speed down a steep hill together on your bikes.

7. Arrive at deserted embassy at 1pm. Learn from seedy Russian man that it is closed after 12pm.

8. Do not learn any lessons from previous day. Return to embassy on German federal holiday.

9. Nearly pass out while riding up hill to embassy. Pant and be covered in sweat. Begin believing God is inhumane.

10. Approach embassy to see that it is flooded with angry, disoderly people. Ask nearby woman, " is this a line?"

11. Watch woman speak mysterious Russian to the embassy guard. Have him demand your cell phone.

12. Explain that you do not have cell phone. Be forced to leave iPod with woman standing outside embassy.

13. Be told you have the wrong dates on invitation letter. They are off by one week.

14. Attempt to return to Embassy. Repeat steps 2 and 8-12.

I am justifying all this by telling myself that this ordeal has helped prepare me for what Russia will be like. (Why then, you may ask, would I want to visit?)

To be continued...